Psyched out by Psychology

If you ever need a good scare, read Psychology Today. Ironically, the theme of last month's issue was relationships. The writers shared many insightful theories on attraction, courtships, break ups and of course, love in general. Usually, I adore reading Psychology Today. Its always a good time and I finish with it feeling like a smarter person. But, when I was done with the Love Issue, I found myself playing a numbers game. Somehow my love life became a mathematical equation.

Here is what I learned:

It is so difficult to date in New York because women, who do the choosing, naturally (meaning evolutionarily) reject the first %34 of their dating pool before then settling on the next best option that crosses their path. So, if you're living in a cave somewhere with a bunch of hunters and gatherers and there are 10 men who fulfill the height, weight, charm, and social requirements, a woman will date 3.4 of them before settling on Dirrrk. Nice and easy.

However, if you're in, say, Los Angeles, where there may be 1000 men (or more) who comprise your dating pool. A woman will have to date 340 of them before finding the most suitable partner. And that's dating, not just meeting them once for coffee in order to cross them off the list.

Also according to P.T., it takes three years for the addiction to your partner's pheromones and body chemistry to level out. This means that its only after three years of constant exposure to that person's smell, your attraction to them sublimates from lust to love, IF there is any love there to be had. Therefore, psychologists highly recommend couples marry only after that three year anniversary.

Another fun fact: The most successful marriages occur in couples who met between the ages of 22 and 25. Apparently it is within this age-range when both men and women are focused on mating yet still developing emotionally allowing them to forge their lives together.

Additionally, a healthy marriage, as calculated by Psychos Today, will remain childless for about 5 years allowing the couple to grow together (or grow apart) and accumulate savings so that they may be financially stable enough to provide well for their off-spring.

Interestingly enough, the chances of having a pair of twins increases by %30 if the mother is impregnated after the age of 35. Also, the chances of birth defects or high-risk pregnancies increase as well. In other words, if you don't want your third child to be born with a tail, finish by 40.

And, since its at age 40 when healthy child reproduction ceases to be the standard, pre-menopause begins and so do the male mid-life crises. Recent studies have shown (whatever that means), that when a man has a mid-life crisis it isn't due to any physiological changes on his part, but on the part of his female mate. It is when his woman is no longer capable of bearing his children that the man feels the urge to find someone who can.

Wow. Let's recap. If one is to finish having children before she turns 36 and, for the

psychological well-being of those children, to have more than one child (let's say two) spaced about 3 years apart AND if she is to be married for 5 years before that AND have dated the guy for 3 years before that she has to meet him, and begin to date him, by the time she turns . . . 25.

Lest we forget to factor in the Theory of Dating Evolution: Once she meets this guy, she must begin regular exposure to his particular brand of endorphins (is there an iPhone app for that?). Depending on her location, she might have to weed him out of a large city, and shoot! Dating takes time if you're not a slut about it!!

Like I said, all of a sudden my life love just transformed into a time-space continuum. This is scary stuff.

And I haven't even mentioned the worst part. The worst part, is that ALL of this is dependent upon the very frustrating crux of the matter: is HE single and ready for commitment?

Merde.